k fed up

I answered at first in the reply by accident. 

Organic vegetable farming, including season extension; a bunch of intensive writing workshops; culinary arts school; how to build a house; or a building; permaculture certification; growing and working with medicinal herbs.

This is actually something I’ve been thinking an awful lot about lately, and coming to the conclusion that I need to stop waiting until some future time that may never come when I have no money worries. I’ve been on a hamster wheel at work for decades, doing work that means nothing to me in order to pay the bills. It’s what I chose to do because it was right in front of me and provided the easiest route to cash in the bank. It’s no longer easy. Every day is a grinding, soul-sucking drudgery. Every day I seethe with frustration at the utter and complete lack of logic and respect from the top level down. I’m just not built to be a cog in the corporate wheel. I’m built to have my hands in the earth, my arms loaded with food to feed my people, to be in my kitchen creating with the food I grow, to be at my desk writing about my experiences, to be out in my immediate community creating relationships. 

This week I reached out to an amazing woman who is a new member of our little but rapidly growing local food movement, who has a certified organic staple foods and vegetable farm about two miles from my house. I asked if she’s still looking for reliable help on her farm in the coming season, and if so, would she be open to talking about the possibility of me being that person. She said yes, let’s talk. 

It would be a huge pay cut. Of course, that’s the first place my mind goes because that’s how I’ve always operated in the world. Do what I can to get the most money possible in any work situation. No matter the cost. Well, the amazing thing is that now I’m having a second thought every day - the cost is too high. I cannot afford to continue putting myself in the line of fire from the company owner who changes the rules of engagement every minute, then blames everyone down the line from him for the consequences of his choices, which mess with his bottom line. Working for him is like being in an abusive marriage, but having the abuse delivered by people you actually do like on some level. Every day is a fire drill. Every day is spent reacting to his directives, rather than accomplishing scheduled work. Then getting yelled at for missing schedules.

I’m done. 

I returned to the company because freelance was so sporadic, and a steady paycheck seemed like a great idea. It was. It still is. But again, at what cost? I’m only there three days a week, which allows me continue some freelance (which is equally awful for all the same reasons - corporations and I just do not play well together), as well as work the market, which is work I adore. I told myself I could do it, and I did with grace for about six months, and then the insanity of it began to wear on me. Now it’s been a year, and I’m worn so paper thin you can see exactly what I feel at all times. It’s beyond awkward. I so clearly don’t belong there and will never be able to play the game the way it needs to be played.

I’m at a place now where I’m just not willing to swallow so much bullshit in order to make a little money. The frustration has built to the point where I’m perpetually unhappy and my digestive issues have reached a critical mass. It’s time for a sea change - and not just another temporary, half-assed stab at creating a work life that not only supports my financial obligations, but also supports me as a person. I need to burn these bridges to the ground so I won’t be tempted to cross them for a little financial stability ever again. I need to set them on fire, walk away, and never look back.

So, a huge pay cut suddenly doesn’t sound so awful when I think about what I would be doing to earn that money. Planting, weeding, harvesting, working the antique grain mill, packaging grains and beans, running the farm store for a few hours, working with my hands and my spirit. Learning something of value to me and my community. 

I’m able to even consider this because Chris’ business is doing so well again. There’s a nagging fear in the back of my mind that the same damn thing will happen that happened the last time I quit this job. I left to freelance and do the cupcake catering thing, and the bottom fell out of manufacturing in NEO. We really struggled or a couple of years there.

Chris said to me the other night that he’ll be disappointed if I don’t get out of there. It’s obvious it’s making me sick and miserable, and frankly I’m not a lot of fun to be around lately. He wants his happy, engaged wife back. I want to feel connected and in alignment with my work and life again. 

So, I’m not waiting until I’m wealthy to learn the things I want to learn. I’m going to start doing it now. Farmer Ami might say it’s not a good fit for me to work on her farm, and that will be what it will be. The next thing will be revealed when it’s time. 

Come spring? I’m off the cubicle farm.