On making mistakes

Yesterday afternoon while I was counting 3000 wooden nickel tokens for the market, and doing my bookkeeping as best I could, I watched Paranormal Activity on Netflix. 

Why the hell did I do that? It’s like I sat down in my dining room and shouted out to whatever the hell it is that makes it so I can’t move my hands in the early hours of the morning that I’m ready for another haunting event because it’s been so nice and quiet around here for the last four years.

Fuck.

When Chris got up to go to work this morning at 5, I fell back to sleep and dreamed that I was out on the back porch yelling at a bunch of drunk guys going through the yard (again). Then I was immediately in my bed trying to wake up, but there was a weight on my chest and arms. I was yelling and breathing very heavy, and it sounded and felt as if something else was breathing very heavy and crawling around all over me. I knew it wasn’t a cat, I could hear the cat outside the door scratching and mewling. My hands were pressed to my thighs and no matter how I tried I could not move them to turn on the light. I opened my eyes and there was dark and there was darker right on top of me. I yelled get out. Get out now. Get off of me. My hands released and I turned on the light and lay there listening to a train going by a few blocks away, and the morning bird song, and the pounding of my own heart, and the voice in my head telling me what a total fucking idiot I am for watching that stupid movie yesterday. 

When we lived in the house in Diamond, this happened to me all the time. Often the thing that held me down would also lift me up out of the bed and pull me around the room like it was trying to make me fly. Only more violent than flying. Sometimes I would look back at the bed and see myself sleeping with Lila curled up next to me. Sometimes I would look back and only Lila was in the bed. It always happened when I fell back to sleep after Chris left. 

Well, I’ve been trying to make myself get up and work on my novel when Chris leaves instead of going back to sleep for another hour and a half for months now. I guess I created the situation that demands I follow through, because I don’t think I’ll be enjoying the idea of that extra sleep while worrying that some growling, mouth-breathing, faceless mass of what-the-fuck is going to hold me down like that again. 

  1. flummery said: well damn.
  2. lnthefade said: Sleep paralysis. A horrible phenomenon. I used to experience it quite frequently, now it happens about once every two months.
  3. kfedup posted this
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