Lila and I are headed out for an overnight camping trip with friends, and I have everything packed and the truck loaded. Just waiting for her to finish her shower, so grabbing a few minutes in the late sunshine. I realized this morning that I should wear my glasses more, and now things seem a lot less blurry, at least on the outside. I’m looking forward to walking in the forest and watching the sun dance on the lake, and hopefully it’s warm enough for Lila to swim out to the big rock in the middle.

Lila and I are headed out for an overnight camping trip with friends, and I have everything packed and the truck loaded. Just waiting for her to finish her shower, so grabbing a few minutes in the late sunshine. I realized this morning that I should wear my glasses more, and now things seem a lot less blurry, at least on the outside. I’m looking forward to walking in the forest and watching the sun dance on the lake, and hopefully it’s warm enough for Lila to swim out to the big rock in the middle.

Dancing strands of light, this is home.

Dancing strands of light, this is home.

asker

houseofjules2 asked: Kelly's Restaurant Special of the Day: Bags of Dicks

Wood-fire grilled, served on a bed of Butter Crisp lettuce with Ox Heart tomato wedges, capers, a drizzle of fine olive oil and balsamic, smoked sea salt and cracked pepper  $18 — add a slice of aged Frumunda cheese for $5

This is one of the smallest Lily blooms I have ever seen, and was the only one in the whole big, green patch.

This is one of the smallest Lily blooms I have ever seen, and was the only one in the whole big, green patch.

TT.02

While walking the dog all over the east side of Kent this morning, this thought kept looping through my mind… that I just need to stop trying to be a bridge between people, to stop trying to make things peaceful for everyone around me. Stop trying to fix everything. Let shit be as broken as it is. Shit’s deeply broken. Deeply. 

I just can’t see the world in black and white. Every moment is painted in every shade of gray. This may be a defect.

I just can’t see the world in black and white. Every moment is painted in every shade of gray. This may be a defect.

Truthful

I was awake most of the night with my mind and heart spinning fairly well out of control. About my marriage. About our kid. About several friendships, but one in particular. 

I have always been as truthful as I could be in my life, but when you are hiding things from yourself – in a misguided effort to protect yourself or protect another person so as not to tear the very fabric to shreds – it’s difficult to get to the whole crux of a thing. In recent weeks the protective layer has stripped away and the whole truths keep coming out of my mouth, and it is horrifying. 

It has ended my marriage, this truth telling, in spite of the fact that I expressed the deeper stuff in the hopes of working together to create a stronger relationship through mutual understanding. Unfortunately the things I feel – have felt for a long time – are too big to fix. At least, that is what he believes. I’m still not convinced. I thought I was convinced yesterday, but with more communication that stupid fucking nugget of hope just grew again. I wish it would stop doing that so I can let myself move forward.

It happened again with a friend last night, a statement I made in response to a complaint. My hope was to clarify a situation to help with some letting go, but that instantly backfired, and that seems to have set off a whole avalanche of unhappy consequences, and that friend is not responding to me. I feel like anything I say now is just backpedaling and damage control, but it’s too late. I know that an apology is not enough, but it is all I have to offer.

The last two days have taught me in no uncertain terms that the truth is a force in the world. Not just words. Not just a thing that we use to create understanding and make us more comfortable with the way things really are, but an energetic force that cracks the world wide open. I want to say that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but then aren’t I right back where I started, trying to hold the gaping wound in my life shut with my teeth so everything I love doesn’t pour out all over the ground? 

Chris said that it all comes back to this basic fact of how he sees the world and situations in black and white. He’s simple. I see everything in so many shades of gray and color, and have never been able to hold a position on something without also needing to look at it from other sides, but the difference is, if he is looking at the other sides it’s just to understand where the other person is at, for me it’s because I think I’m supposed to change my mind. To accommodate. To be flexible. To not be myself because when I’m myself, everyone goes away. 

Everyone is going away.

The truth don’t stop. 

We have now reached the part of the day/week/month/year/life

where we lean back against all the bed pillows, which are legion, and realize we have quite literally not a single ounce of fuck to give towards anybody else’s ego bullshit any more. Not even our own, if we’re still speaking about ourselves as if we aren’t actually in the room, doing the typing. 

That thing

where you realize that you can use all of the pillows on the bed without explaining yourself.

OK, I love you motherfuckers, and because I love you motherfuckers, I’m going to step away from the laptop, grab my Naomi Wolf book, Vagina, and fall asleep with a vagina on my face. Kinda sorta. 

Fuck me, it’s only 8:30.

redcloud:

Hey, if I’m going to be on Nicky’s list, I may as well have fun with it. Other than having to L-R flip the image, I think I nailed it.
Not sure whether next weekend I should build a panic room, or distill some moonshine…. I know! Build a still in the panic room!

Winner winner, chicken dinner, shut down the internet, shit’s over, y’all. 

redcloud:

Hey, if I’m going to be on Nicky’s list, I may as well have fun with it. Other than having to L-R flip the image, I think I nailed it.

Not sure whether next weekend I should build a panic room, or distill some moonshine…. I know! Build a still in the panic room!

Winner winner, chicken dinner, shut down the internet, shit’s over, y’all. 

Sorry guys, I’m feeling angry and dramatic, and I’m just going to kind of slowly let it out over here in my little weird and wonderful corner of the internet. Unfollow at will… 

I remember
how seeing the shape of your mouth
that first time, I kept staring
until my blood turned to rain.

Some things take root
in the brain and just don’t
let go.

T.S Elliot, Slow Dance   (via grammatolatry)

until you just have to let go… because you always have to let go… 

let go.

(via betheyogurt)

houseofjules2:

You guys, I think Kelly just proposed (something) to me.
kfedup

PRETTY MUCH YEAH, WANNA?

houseofjules2:

You guys, I think Kelly just proposed (something) to me.

kfedup

PRETTY MUCH YEAH, WANNA?

i am a lover without a lover. i am lovely and lonely and i belong deeply to myself.

warsan shire (via light-essence)

Oh, that Warsan Shire, she sure has a way with words. I bet she’s a really beautiful kisser. 

(via betheyogurt)