I have been attempting to stay focused on tasks today. Washed all the quilts, sleeping bags, and towels from camping, and they’re hanging on the line in the sunshine, and I’m catching up on returning market-related phone calls and emails. I wrote and formatted this week’s newsletter and scheduled it to send tomorrow morning, but may have to make one more update before then. Now I’m trying to do the financials for the last two weeks, and I’m not sure if I just hit a midday wall, or if I really am still this distracted enough to be unable to manage numbers. I keep having to count everything four times, and that is just not like me at all.
We are meeting with a lawyer this evening to get a clear rundown of what a dissolution looks like. Big decisions have yet to be made, and there’s no moving forward until they are made and agreed upon. This limbo is a fairly terrible place to live, but I know it’s the process, and it’s giving me a chance to really look at it all from every angle and find acceptance about so many things I just cannot change. I don’t have to like it, but I can find a way to accept it and keep showing up.
Sleeping better and eating without choking on it, or gagging it back up has made a big difference in my anxiety levels. I’m still getting slammed with some heavy waves of panic, but they aren’t causing me to rock in the corner weeping any more. I just stop what I’m doing and do a lot of very slow breathing until I can get back on track, or I take off my shoes and spend a half hour hula hooping in the grass, or I pull weeds for a bit, because let’s face it, there are always more weeds.
I feel disappointed that I’ve had to stop, drop, and breathe so many times today, and that makes me think that maybe I’m still just being awfully hard on myself. But my job shit is falling way behind, and I need to get it fully together here soon.
Anyway, this has been an update. Someday I hope to return to thinking about SSTs. For the time being, I guess this is a divorce blog.