1. The house that so far has most deeply resonated is still active, which either means they are in counter-offer mode, or the offer was rejected. I hope to hell I can get this stupid, poorly-timed clerical error resolved and the pre-approval in place so I can make my offer. I see myself in that house. I’ve been dreaming about it nightly. Yet, for my own sanity, I have to balance that knowing with the truth that I don’t know anything, and am not in control. I’m getting a little better at that, but it’s a huge challenge.
2. I’m eager to make the transition as quickly as possible. I have no desire to go through the winter in this limbo. To have Chris sleeping in a motor home in the cold, or to have us cohabiting strangely again, although if it comes down to it, that is what I will offer/choose, because I love the man and he works his ass off, and needs a safe, warm place to sleep.
3. I woke up to an empty house this morning. Chris, Lila, and the dog all spent the evening at his…
— what do I call her? Friend? Lover? Girlfriend?
well, they slept over there last night. The kids having a camp out in the family room. It was strange to not have the dog up my ass first thing before I even had my coffee. I’ve been puttering around straightening things up, laundry, am about to clean the fridge and finish the dishes, then make a batch of sour beet ferment, and check the sauerkraut, and roast the Hubbard squash for a nice Thai curry soup this evening. I thought I would be more upset the first time this happened. I was quietly upset when it was confirmed that this was the evening plan yesterday, but it didn’t stick, and I think that’s in part because Lila seemed happy enough about the adventure. I want her to be OK with as much of this as she can be, so I will not fight it. I’m so done fighting it. I need the energy for my own work.
4. This week I begin working in my friends’ restaurant, training to be a prep cook. After a few weeks of that, they will be opening their satellite kitchen in the excellent historic bar down the street from their storefront. I’ll be the prep cook for that kitchen, and be able to work mostly by myself during the day to get everything ready for the evening crowd. It’s a brand new kitchen in a very funky establishment. I’ll also get to learn how to do all of the food ordering, take deliveries, and business end of running the place. All of this in preparation for opening my own cafe down the line. I’ll still be working the market, and with this extra income be able to handle more of my own bills once I move. This pleases me on so many levels, and feels like exactly the right thing to do at exactly the right time. I’m so grateful to them for putting their trust in me, and giving me this opportunity. It’s kind of a dream.
5. I want to take the big, red drum pendant lamp I picked out for the dining room here. And all of the artwork. Wanting this is giving me a squicky, selfish, no-good feeling.
6. It’s so quiet here. I think I’ll burn a piñon incense, and put on some Django Reinhardt while I work in the kitchen.
7. I am thinking of so many of you this morning. Wishing your worries and troubles will ease, that you will find space for softness and light in this day. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for listening to mine.
So the judgment shows up on all 3 report agencies, and he tracked it down - some dude in next town over whose social is very close to his. Sending the info to bank and credit report companies now. Hope this doesn’t take a month to resolve. Jeebus.
“It’s not like astronauts are braver than other people; we’re just meticulously prepared. We dissect what it is that’s going to scare us, and what it is that is a threat to us and then we practice over and over again so that the natural irrational fear is neutralized.”—
Bank called. There’s a pretty big judgement against us on credit report to the tune of $6k that’s supposedly been filed since 2009. I can’t buy that, as we refinanced our mortgage with the same bank in 2012. Surely that would have come up? And the judgment is for a bank with whom we have never had a relationship. Fraud.
“See how the past is finished
here in the present
it is awake the whole time
it is my hand now but not what I held
it is what I remember
but it never seems quite the same
no one else remembers it
a house long gone into air
the flutter of tires over a brick road
cool light in a vanished bedroom
the flash of the oriole
between one line and another
the river a child watched”—
W. S. Merwin, from “My Hand”, in The Shadow of Sirius (Copper Canyon Press, 2009)
This is an ebola fact sheet from the CDC. Ignore media outlets, and stick with facts.
Most importantly, wash your fucking hands, peoples. It’s flu season. And if you are sick, stay home. Don’t be an asshole.
This is what I wish the school had sent out to parents. The message they sent is vague and does not address much of what has already been said in the last 24 hours, and gives no instruction whatsoever. People here are freaking the fuck out.
I'd better finish my novel fast and get it published before it's no longer fiction...
Just received this email from our city school superintendent:
Early afternoon on Wednesday, October 15, 2014 xxxxxx from the City Health Department informed xxxxx, City Manager, who then called me about a possible health alert. A recently diagnosed Ebola patient who is a relative of three Kent State University employees, traveled from Dallas to Cleveland last weekend. After arriving in Cleveland Friday, October 10th, she drove to stay with her family for the weekend. Contrary to early speculation, the newly diagnosed Ebola patient stayed with her family at their home in Summit County and did not enter Portage County or Kent. Kent State President xxxxxxx confirmed that the family visitor didn’t step foot on the Kent State University campus, nor attend the football game on Saturday, October 11, 2014. We will continue to communicate with local, state and national health officials.
Why no confirmation or denial of the widely reported fact that three people she did visit work at the university?
Local news stations are showing a CDC press release asking all people on that flight to contact them. To contact them? I’m sorry, information about who was on that flight is certainly available to the CDC, so shouldn’t they bet sending teams out to each and every one of them immediately?
l’m following several threads of university folks, and the general consensus is that nobody knows what the hell is happening. What a clusterfuck.
So… when are we all going out to Cary’s farm? I’m thinking I can grab my camping gear and get Lila from school and start driving now.
Seven blessed, blissful hours of sleep in a row. Uninterrupted and unassisted (haven’t taken anything for sleep in five weeks now). I swear I woke up in the same position in which I started, my entire body one with the mattress and pillows. Goodness, I needed that.
There are a lot of days I wished we all lived in the same house so we could hug each other in times of trouble, take our fights out to the hot tub area, get super drunk and watch bad television, and so we could actually talk to each other.
Then I go look at gifs and think about other things.
Also the yelling match until one of us says something so stupid the rest laugh and the fight is over time for sexy.
You’re basically describing the Holiday Inn lobby at CHSH.
I love the house. Not a single bad vibe to be had. Any minor problems we found are things that I can live with and fix over time. Chris seems to think it’s a solid house and worth moving forward on, of course after I do some more comparing.
Bedrooms need new floors - wood laminate most likely - and paint, but those don’t necessarily have to happen immediately. Otherwise I could easily move right in and begin living. Of course, I’ll have hardly any furniture, and any money I thought I would have for that will be sucked up by the down payment, but whatever. One thing at a time.
I’m going to look at a few more on Thursday. The other one we looked at today smelled like ass and has baby shit green paint on every inch of woodwork, shitty old linoleum flooring everywhere, and every wall and floor is crooked. I loved the layout of the place, but would need to sink a good $30K into it to be comfortable. It’s $35K less than the first one, so we’d spend the same amount but have to do a ton of work, or leave it alone, and I just can’t see taking such a giant step backwards from how I live now, which is just so incredibly selfish in light of the fact Chris is living in a motor home. But, that was his choice, not mine.
I want this resolved quickly. I want him living in his home. I want to know where I am going and be able to get settled there, hopefully before winter.
I opened the bedroom window tonight for the first time in a couple of weeks. It’s humid and the cricket song is that sad, end of the summer sound. It’s raining lightly, and the air has that wet iron and electricity smell to it, carried across my skin on an occasional breeze. My senses can’t get enough of this moment.
Our 11 year anniversary is in two weeks. Last night as I was leaving for rehearsal he gave me a hug and said I’m on your side, and I wonder if I have been projecting the battle that I feel raging inside myself. I’ve tried to keep a lid on that emotional, illogical flood, but maybe I’m not doing such a good job of it.
I feel like the train car that broke away from the engine and is running backwards down the mountain, no brakes, no power beyond gravity, the sheer weight of its being, and the pull of the tracks. (Ron White Voice: See you at the scene of the crash.)
I needed that little camping break for the weekend. To feel my feet step, step, step along a new trail, passing over tree roots and rocks at the top of the gorge, the cliff edge just far enough away that I could continue, but close enough that my legs went weak and I couldn’t focus on anything but that tremendous drop into tree tops. The whole time I had a conversation with myself asking if I am really strong enough. If I really even want this. If I intended to unhook from the engine.
Tomorrow I’m seeing three houses. This is the train car approaching a switchback. Will it hug the track or break away and fly out over the valley as it plummets to Earth?