I’ve decided that I need to share with this community of friends here. My little space in the tumblrverse has enriched my life in so many ways, and many of you are now friends who have literally held my hand. I’m glad I attempted scaling back my social media consumption – it helped me focus on some things I was avoiding, but now my little snow globe has been turned upside down, shaken, and rolled down the driveway. I find myself needing to write and receive the invaluable reflection and support of my friends here. Don’t worry, I’m also making effort to share with people in my community, it’s just that I need to be careful until Chris and I have found a way to tell Lila that our marriage is over.
I reached out to a friend yesterday to ask for help and I am so relieved and grateful for her friendship. We sat at her kitchen island and talked for hours, then went to lunch, where I finally ate almost an entire plate of food. Then the physical and emotional reality of this ongoing exhaustion hit me like a Wile E. Coyote ACME anvil, with great speed and from a great height. I almost fell asleep at the table.
She offered to get Lila from poetry camp when she picked up her kids, then take her with them to running club and back to her house for supper. Chris could touch base and get her when he was ready. I let him know all of that, and then took a Xanax and slept for five hours. I was hopeful that I would just collapse into sleep and stay in the depths for the night, but ended up wide awake for a few hours, during which time Chris and I talked more about what next, how next, and when. I found myself telling him how very hurt I am by some very large realities at play in the background that I don’t feel comfortable expressing here, even though I so very much want to just spell it all out in my typical fashion. But I can’t. I quadrupled my dose later to get to 1mg and slept another 9 hours.
Suffice it to say that I made choices based on things I knew he wanted in spite of knowing those choices were most likely not going to turn out to be right for me. I hoped it would bring us closer together. It did the opposite. What is at play in the background is built on the foundation of none of those desires I was trying to fulfill ever being a possibility. And I’m being told that this new foundation is more desirable. I feel kicked in the teeth. There’s obviously much more at play here but this is the piece I am working on today, as it is what I fell asleep thinking about, and what slammed into my consciousness as I awoke. I’m floored by how angry I feel now that the fog of self-loathing has lifted a little bit after 14 hours of desperately needed sleep.
I want to move through this anger as quickly as possible because I do not want to feed it and grow it. I’ll continue to express it as clearly as I can, but I need to move past it into acceptance. For my sake. For Lila’s sake. For Chris’ sake. Because like it or not, this is happening.
But, fuck if I don’t feel like spending my day taking a sledgehammer to some structural integrity.
“You don’t measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn’t wear a watch - it’s timeless. It doesn’t care how long you know someone. It doesn’t care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins…”—
“Because we managed to keep our heart open, despite the pain.
Because we realized that the person who left us did not take the sun with them or leave darkness in their place.”—Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found in Accra (via ziafarah)
What I do know: - We are good people. - We love each other very much. - We want each other’s happiness as much as our own. - I can stay in the house with Lila, and will have financial support for as long as is needed.
What I don’t know: - If it’s fixable. - What to do.
I have to make some big life and work changes. At the moment I can’t seem to find the energy to leave my front porch chair, and my mind is a wall of droning noise, with no actual ideas of what I will do to change effectively. People keep telling me that I am strong and talented and will be good at anything I choose to do (can’t live on $7k a year) but those words don’t mean anything to me in the face of how much everything hurts and how frozen in fear I find myself.
I don’t know how one starts over at forty seven. I don’t want to go backwards.
“Prose is about what can be said and what is known and so on. Poetry is about what cannot be expressed. I mean, terrible grief, or intense erotic feeling, or even unspeakable anger are all inexpressible. You can’t put them in words and that’s why you try to put them in words. Because that’s all you’ve got.”—W. S. Merwin, in an interview with Joel Whitney (via weissewiese)
Jesus tap-dancing Christ! Does our corporate culture have no shame at all? Don’t bother answering that. I guess we’ll just turn a blind eye and continue allowing Pepsico to fuel our next generation of diabetic children!
“I also persuaded the Domino’s rep to email me a list of ingredients in his company’s specially formulated school pizza, SmartSlice. It was also nearly 50 items long, and included silicone dioxide, otherwise known as sand.”
School lunch reform has to start with parents and kids in every district. Start a school garden. Let the kids eat what they grow even if it’s not allowed in the cafeteria due to insane contractual obligations with giant corporations who thrive on kickbacks and incentives and poisoning the population one free and reduced lunch at a time. Make a veggie tray in the classroom. Do what I did and bring a jar of homemade ranch and a salt shaker to the garden and let the kids pull a radish and taste it with and without. They’ll keep asking for more. We’ve been at it five years at Lila’s school, and still haven’t been able to get any of that food into the cafeteria. But we’re chipping away at it.
When you surrender, the problem ceases to exist. Try to solve it,or conquer it, and you only set up more resistance. I am very certain now that, as I said therein, if I truly become what I wish to be, the burden will fall away. The most difficult thing to admit, and to realize with one’s whole being, is that you alone control nothing.
—Henry Miller, A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin & Henry Miller, 1932-1953. Mariner Books,1989
I was talking about just this idea with Maj last night. I told him that lately I can’t find the fight in me – thoughts arise and try to gather force but are followed immediately by the image of my hands dropping the rope. I don’t want to fight myself any more.
Currently, thanks to the most recent interruption of my dog bounding into my office with a shredded, very well-used sanitary napkin hanging out of his mouth while I fall farther and farther behind in my goal to finish these two grant proposals by 5pm tomorrow.