Well, I at least got the devil’s strip and the edge of the drive mowed, but then I had to shut it off to empty the bag into the compost pile, and could not get it started again. Let it rest, primed it, retried, still no. It’s old. Like ten years old. Guess I need to buy a new mower.
Instead, I picked purple beans, pickling cucumbers, and the last of the lettuce, then came inside to cool off a bit, and I got the solar path lights I bought last summer put together and set outside where they belong, instead of in my office closet, where they’ve been all year.
Now heading back out to do some bark mulch, and next time I come in I will have to face the numbers and get the market SNAP token returns done, or my vendors are going to have my head on a stake.
That might be a relief, actually.
1. I’m headed outdoors for a few hours to mow the lawn down the north side of the driveway, which is at least a foot tall, and to spread wood chips on the garden paths, plus pick beans because beans!
2. I should have a much worse hangover than I do, so I’m guessing the massive wave of emotion that swamped my boat in the middle of the night pretty much washed most of the beer out of me.
3. This smoothie is restoring balance - it’s kale from the garden, banana, pineapple, mango, almond milk, and a big scoop of greek yogurt.
4. I look really, really tired today, which is probably normal after a night like last night. The one good thing is we realize what amazing friends we are to each other, and that our newfound ability to really drill down to the deepest, darkest truths in our communication is only going to help us be better friends and parents.
5. We have to tell Lila. I’m going to mow the lawn and try to envision what that conversation will look like in its healthiest, most balanced, and positive form, so that we can talk about it some more and practice together.
Can’t feel my feet or my nose
and I’m not saying if this has anything to do with the four beers or not, but I’m guessing there might be some correlation.
Grammarly things you say wrong
None of that their/there/they’re bullshit. Everybody knows that. Here is how YOU are fucking things up.
What you say: I need to lay down.
What you should say: I need to lie down.
Analysis: ’Lay’ is a transitive verb. ‘Lie’ is an intransitive verb. Avoid using ‘lay’ in the present tense unless the verb has an object.
What you say: Yesterday I laid down.
What you should say: Yesterday I lay down.
Analysis: To add extra confusion, the past tense of ‘lie’ is ‘lay’.
What you say: Yesterday I got laid.
What you should say: Yesterday I did not get lain.
Analysis: The past participle of ‘lay’ is ‘lain’. Also, you are a liar.
What you say: I tried to purchase chips, but I wound up with a bag of Lays.
What you should say: I tried to purchase chips, but I wound up with a bag of lies.
Analysis: Fuck Lays. Pringles 4 Lyfe
All. Of. This. Yes.
I have been attempting to stay focused on tasks today. Washed all the quilts, sleeping bags, and towels from camping, and they’re hanging on the line in the sunshine, and I’m catching up on returning market-related phone calls and emails. I wrote and formatted this week’s newsletter and scheduled it to send tomorrow morning, but may have to make one more update before then. Now I’m trying to do the financials for the last two weeks, and I’m not sure if I just hit a midday wall, or if I really am still this distracted enough to be unable to manage numbers. I keep having to count everything four times, and that is just not like me at all.
We are meeting with a lawyer this evening to get a clear rundown of what a dissolution looks like. Big decisions have yet to be made, and there’s no moving forward until they are made and agreed upon. This limbo is a fairly terrible place to live, but I know it’s the process, and it’s giving me a chance to really look at it all from every angle and find acceptance about so many things I just cannot change. I don’t have to like it, but I can find a way to accept it and keep showing up.
Sleeping better and eating without choking on it, or gagging it back up has made a big difference in my anxiety levels. I’m still getting slammed with some heavy waves of panic, but they aren’t causing me to rock in the corner weeping any more. I just stop what I’m doing and do a lot of very slow breathing until I can get back on track, or I take off my shoes and spend a half hour hula hooping in the grass, or I pull weeds for a bit, because let’s face it, there are always more weeds.
I feel disappointed that I’ve had to stop, drop, and breathe so many times today, and that makes me think that maybe I’m still just being awfully hard on myself. But my job shit is falling way behind, and I need to get it fully together here soon.
Anyway, this has been an update. Someday I hope to return to thinking about SSTs. For the time being, I guess this is a divorce blog.
1) You’re empowering.
2) I like your voice.
3) You’re strong.
4) I think your ideas/beliefs matter.
5) I’m so happy you exist.
6) More people should be listening to what you have to say.
7) You’re a very warm hearted person.
8) It’s nice seeing such kindness.
9) You’re very down to earth.
10) You have a beautiful soul.
11) You inspire me to become a better person.
12) Our conversations bring me a lot of joy.
13) It’s good to see someone care so much.
14) You’re so understanding.
15) You matter a lot to me.
16) You’re important even if you don’t think so.
17) You’re intelligent.
18) Your passion is contagious.
19) Your confidence is refreshing.
20) You restore my faith in humanity.
21) You’re great at being creative.
22) You’re so talented at ____.
23) I don’t get tired of you the way I get tired of other people.
24) You have great taste in ___.
25) I’m happy I stayed alive long enough to meet you.
26) I wish more people were like you.
27) You’re so good at loving people. — 3:29 p.m. feel free to add to this! (via expresswithsilence)
Beware […] of being trapped in your own imaginings. You instill sparks in others, you charge them with your illusions and when they burst forth into illuminations, you are taken in.
— Anaïs Nin, Henry & June: From the Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin. Harcourt, 1986